WHY?

Misunderstandings and a bunch of words bring forth a mix of emotions and poor decisions. An argument begins; a simple statement then a twisted balance of people’s thoughts and emotions spill forth into the arena and the battle ensues.

I sit at my pc now with the sting of salty tears welling up in tired eyes, not emotional enough to let them spill over ; mind racing with so many thoughts. How easily I allowed myself to be defeated with anger when all along the point being made was valid and the basis for my reaction flawed. Id love to say that it was fuelled by something as simple as withdrawal from nicotine or poor sleeping patterns but deep down I know these to be the easy excuses, the way out so to speak.

Why did I such a vivid reaction over something as petty as household chores? I felt like a liar when really I had not thought about what I was saying, I honestly thought that what I was doing was enough and that there was no issue. Was I wrong, my anger made it an issue and rather than a mild altercation… the gladiators entered the arena each armed with their different and valid points, the unnecessary battle had begun.

All I had to do was apologise for my reaction and the battle would have been avoided. Pride? Stubbornness? No stupidity; I was angry and I expressed this openly and whilst I agreed that maybe my reaction was uncalled for it was how I felt at the time… defensive and angry. Words said in anger, I swore! More words said in anger and whilst I apologised for how this made them feel I would not apologise for what was said. I was expressing my anger.

I was honestly angry, I felt I would not be honest if I apologised for expressing that anger with words; so I apologised for how my words and actions made them feel. Insincere; this is how it came across. I felt shallow, insincere was not my intention. I could calm it now… Just say sorry… calm it down… just say sorry! I couldn’t do it, I was not sorry for saying the words, angry words for an angry situation.

The battle raged on, possible invisible wounds inflicted but what valuable lessons have been learnt, were any lessons learnt or do I only hope there was reason for the battle to lessen my own guilt or embarrassment. Calm words spoken and battle fizzles and we exit the arena. Was there a point or was it my ego? Battle over?

Thanks for putting up with me and I am sorry it got this far; I sit here now with these words to speak… no-one to speak them too.