An Inner Peace

Empty mind yet deep in thought, body tired and muscles taut, I look deep inside for an answer to a question I don’t think I’ve asked. Staring at the ceiling not a conscious thought in mind, restless; a deep breath and a sigh.

Mind still blank I turn to face the wall, my blankets on but my bed still cold. Staring at the wall I wait… what am I waiting for? Sleep? If I am patient enough will the answer jump out at me? Have I even asked a fucking question? I scratch at the surface in an attempt to reveal an answer, maybe I have asked the wrong question? I can’t remember asking a question, am I crazy?

A deep breath, I turn; again I’m staring at the ceiling. I close my eyes and look deep inside. What is it I am looking for? Something’s calling to me but from where? Its like a low hum from the pit of my stomach, I try to focus my attention; it’s gone. I open my eyes and again find myself staring at the blank white ceiling. I turn to my side and pull my pillow close, holding tight. Bed still cold and my body aches.

I close my eyes and embrace the darkness. I jolt my thoughts to a special place; a place where I sometimes go when I needed to be alone with my thoughts. I can see myself walking the track, as I near the gap in the orange plastic safety fence I can hear the waves crashing against the cliffs. I step through and walk towards the edge. I love coming here just as the sun goes down, watching the sun drop from the sky until the ocean extinguishes its spark for another day. I reach the edge and find my crevice; I sit down and lean back, staring out across the water.

I start to recall one of the best times I was here; I had watched the sun fade away when the wind started to pick up, the waves crashing against the shore. Far off in the distance; a flash of lightning followed by a crash of thunder. I felt a stirring inside, I love stormy weather and I felt myself smiling at the growing energy from across the bay. It started to rain, a warm rain, I tilted my head back and let it hit my face. I remember standing up and opening my arms, the wind hitting my body, I felt so light, I wanted to jump… to fly out across the water, across the ocean, to feel freedom. The storm got stronger and nature displayed its magnificence; its rawness and pure energy. I felt so alive, standing on the edge of a cliff drenched from head to toe; I remember how cleansing it felt, so electrifying.

Back in my room I smile; in my mind I stand arms open against the wind on my cliff, this time I jump. At first I head towards the rock below at amazing speed, just before I hit the bottom the wind lifts me and I glide across the surface of the water, I scream my release as I soar across the water, tilting back I rise high into the sky, I feel alive. I close my eyes and feel the wind as it rushes past my face, I stretch my arms out, they have changed, and they are now wings covered in golden colored feathers. I feel the energy coarse through my veins as I fly out across the ocean.

Looking down into the water, I start to wonder what’s going on beneath the surface… why wonder. I point my body towards the surface, racing down at tremendous speed I breach the surface and instantly I feel myself transform, I breathe in the water and look at my outstretched fins and with a whoosh of my tail I feel free. I’m in awe of my surroundings and I feel a sudden inner peace, like I belong here. I hear a calling and a sense of being home, being safe. The water caresses every inch of my body, it feels warm although I know it would be freezing if I was in human form. The deeper I go the more peaceful I become, an instinct tells me to return to the surface and breathe; then down I go again.

Beep’ Beep, Beep! Ocean gone… no wings to fly, reality sets in. time to draw my old carcass out of bed and get ready for work