I was standing at the crossroads wondering which way to turn, each path looking more gruelling that the next. It occurred to me that I was trying to force a decision that has to be made rather than encourage a direction that will lead me to where I want to be.I sat in wonder, wanting to know why I threw myself deep into my drama yet again and why I allow myself to be drawn back in time and time again. Letting my life energy drain away to a point where I am totally exhausted and why it is that I can’t figure out what it is that I want to do and what the next direction is for me… I realised that the direction I need to take at the moment is deep inside of me, my soul, my heart and my passion.
Too often we look outside ourselves for contentment and for things to make us happy but never do we really look inside and see what makes us tick, what makes us who we are. I for one always find it ridiculous when I strive to achieve something I think I want; but when I get there it holds not what I thought it would and I feel empty inside.
It recently dawned on me that a reason for this may be that what I really want is to know what really makes me tick, what makes me feel different things and why. I realised that I really don’t know who I am and what I am about.
So; the 3D will keep throwing the obstacles in my way and if I keep paying attention to them then I will keep getting blocked. They will only become obstacles to my current path if I let them inside, if I let them challenge me, if I give them the attention they demand. I know that this is all easy to say and the words tend to make this journey sound easy. I know that what lies ahead is hard, if I have not worked out who I am in 32 years then it can’t be that easy.
Just thinking about this new direction I already feel a small spark deep in the pits of my being, a sense of excitement mixed with a little anxiety.
Hi Mr Excitement and Mr Anxiety my name is Shane and i am pleased to meet you. Tell me about you... :)
I think you and I covered most of this last night - :) Thank you so very much for everything - love ya.
ReplyDeleteLooking inside takes tremendous courage and strenght, not a lot of us are able to do that. You can't lie to yourself, and when you look inside you will be confronted with things about yourself you mightn't be able to face just yet, so I think we need to scrape the bottom of the barrel for courage, in order to build up to where we need to get to.
It is exciting to anticipate change when you're feeling miserable and blue, because any change can only be for the better. Sometimes you're just too dang exhausted to try - but then that's why you have friends to hang with you, to laugh till you cry and to share a ciggie -
Love you hard core babe
You Rock Melly babe - thanks for last night, I had a really good night.
ReplyDeleteI loves you hardcore